Door het rouwproces om mezelf

Ik was 15 toen ik te horen kreeg dat ik reuma heb en in mijn ogen was het net alsof mijn leven voorbij was. Hoe ga je dan verder?
 

Dat gevoel heb ik nog heel lang gehouden, dat mijn leven voorbij was. Ik realiseerde me later dat ik aan het rouwen was om mezelf. Ik heb alle fases van rouwverwerking doorlopen, maar nu ben ik er eindelijk uit. Hoe ben ik eruit gekomen vraag je je af? Door alle fases te doorlopen en door te blijven vechten.

Ontkenning is de eerste fase, daar heb ik nu soms nog steeds last van. Het idee dat het gewoon niet waar kan zijn dat je zoiets hebt. Misschien hebben ze een fout gemaakt in het ziekenhuis, denk je steeds. Misschien zit er gewoon een zenuw klem in mijn nek waardoor ik zoveel pijn heb. Misschien, als... je twijfelt aan alles, zelfs aan jezelf. Want soms zegt een heel klein stemmetje in je hoofd: "Misschien zit het allemaal gewoon tussen je oren."

Boosheid is de tweede fase, dit heb ik niet zo heel erg ervaren omdat ik moeilijk boos te krijgen ben. Maar toch heeft mijn reuma mij boos gekregen. Ik was boos op de doctoren in het ziekenhuis omdat ik zeker wist dat ze een fout hebben gemaakt en omdat ze me niet konden helpen. Geen medicijnen mogelijk, heb ik weer. Ik was ook boos op het lot, wat had ik verkeerd gedaan om dit te verdienen?

Het gevecht aangaan is de derde fase. Ik geloof zelf dat deze fase zelfs noodzakelijk is om door te kunnen. Ik heb heel veel gevochten, tegen alles en iedereen. Ik heb zelfs tegen mezelf en mijn eigen lichaam gevochten. Ik weigerde om naar mijn lichaam te luisteren en rustiger aan te doen. Daar werd ik dan ook vaak zat door gestraft. De mensen die het goed met me voor hadden en heel lief een stoel voor me pakte, daar heb ik ook tegen gevochten. Ik was niet gehandicapt, bleef ik mezelf herhalen.

Depressie is de vierde fase. Daar heb ik ook heel veel last van gehad, teveel misschien. Ik had het gevoel alsof ik mijn leven verloren had. Alsof het hopeloos was, toekomstloos. Ik rouwde echt om mezelf. Hoe kon ik verder leven met dit? Hoe kon ik ooit nog geluk vinden? Meerdere malen heb ik dit gevecht op een haar na gewonnen. Ik vond mijn kracht in plaatjes en teksten op internet, in de liefde van mijn huisdieren en van mijn vrienden en familie; ook al merkte die er niets van.

Aanvaarding is de laatste fase, een fase die ik niet helemaal terecht vind. Deze fase geeft je de illusie dat het nu over is en je verder kan met je leven. Dat het nooit meer terug komt. Ik merk dat ik vaak nog terugvallen heb naar eerdere fases, soms een voor een, soms allemaal tegelijk. Maar het belangrijkste is dat ik door blijf gaan en daardoor win ik steeds. Ik win dan misschien niet van mijn reuma, maar wel van de wanhoop, de boosheid en het verlies.

Ik heb nu eindelijk het gevoel dat ik gewonnen heb en het steeds beter gaat. Mijn gedachtes zijn vrolijker en ik heb zelfs hoop voor de verdere toekomst. Vast en zeker zal ik nog eens vervallen in wanhoop en verdriet, maar ik weet dat ik het kan overwinnen door heel simpel door te gaan, en nooit op te geven.

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Denise

Ik ben Denise van Uitregt en ik ben 18 jaar oud. Ik studeer aan de pabo in Helmond en zit nu in het tweede jaar. Ik heb Fibromyalgie en daardoor gaat niet alles zomaar vanzelf. Ik hou erg van schrijven en hoop dat ik jullie kan helpen met mijn verhalen.

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